How to love what you know you will lose...

One of the most memorable things I ever read about love was... ‘acknowledge impermanence and loss, but love deeply anyhow’ … I find something deeply touching about that sentence. Something honest and unconditional. For my sins, i am (as you have probably guessed by now) a hopeless romantic. An idealistic dreamer. Not the hearts and flowers, happily ever after sort, but the Heathcliff and Cathy, Romeo and Juliet, destructive, passionate, all-consuming, doomed to failure kind. Having just watched ‘Vicky Cristina Barcelona’ (which I loved!), I could identify whole heartedly with Cristina’s character and I found myself more than a little concerned when she was sentenced at the end to a life of ‘chronic dissatisfaction’. Is that to be my fate? Of course I should just stop watching films like this, or reading books which fuel my unrealistic ideals, and what some would see as down right crazy (and possibly slightly immature) ideas. But that’s me. I'm all about drama and extremes. I dream of thunderstorms and crazy make up sex after rows. I long to find someone who loves me so much it has the power to drive them to anything (and vice versa). In reality though, I struggle to act on my desire, my (many) romantic ideas stay in my head and the thought of losing anything I love fills me with so much dread that I often detach or run away before I get to that point. In a way I suppose I display some of the traits, such as reserve, widely associated with the English. Only I'm not cold and practical, so am unable to stay in a relationship and keep an ‘emotional distance’. This means in order to not become ‘consumed’ I have to remove myself mentally, or preferably physically. In fact the idea of intimacy often brings such an intense fear for me that I struggle even to be in a relationship, feeling happier alone and in control. And when I am in relationships I generally don’t feel stable and calm, but experience a continual push, pull – a need to be close and a desire to run away. I'm not sure if I'm alone in these feelings of discomfort? And I often wonder why the idea of something comfortable and consistent seems so alien to me? Besides my obvious flaws in realising my dream, I know the reality of this kind of love. Its painful and destructive and rarely ever satisfying (except of course in the making up!) – and if I'm honest with myself, I know that’s not what I really want, its just all that I know. And as we all know, familiarity is attractive. But the idea of finding the courage to love without the fear of loss offers another way. I know if I can let go of the insecurities which currently stop me from doing this I will find freedom and peace of mind. The way I feel will not be reliant on the person I'm with. I will be in control of my own emotions (no mean feat, let me tell you!). And who knows, if I find someone who can love as fully and freely as I hope to I might indeed be able to experience the kind of love I dream of, only without the pain and misery. And when, as it inevitably does, this love ends (for whatever reason) I will be OK and my world will not fall apart because everything I feel will not be based on an other persons feelings or our relationship lasting. I know it wont happen over night, but I'm working on it. I'm getting a bit better at leaving people Ive met on holiday and not worrying that I will never see them again, I've accepted that sometimes the friends i have in life will move off in their own directions and sometimes we will never meet again, I'm coming to terms with the fact that the people I love will eventually die and I will carry on (perfectly capably) without them. On top of all that, I'm currently experiencing happiness and a sense of calm (well by my standards anyway!) in a relationship. I'm learning to worry a little less about what my man feels about me and focus a little more on enjoying our time together. I'm allowing myself the freedom to feel what I want to and act on my impulses a Little more without worrying about what reaction I will get, what I am investing or if I will be rejected or for some other reason lose a person who has started to become very important to me. for me that means thinking a little less (argh!), and being / doing a little more. Making an effort. Going outside my comfort zone. Ive still to execute the many romantic ideas I've had for him, but I'm feeling brave, so watch this space……